Take the offensive...and make it work!

There's a gay marriage case that's probably going to the Supreme Court, its too boring to follow, but it sounds like the conservative defendants are actually making the following arguments:

Marriage is only for the purposes of procreation.
They should make women get divorces when they hit menopause; this is because we need more mouths to feed.

The gays would cheapen the institution of marriage.
We give financial incentives to people to get married, but this doesn't cheapen the institution, it classes-up prostitution.  Case closed.

A majority of Americans support civil unions, but not gay marriage.  It seems like the real reason they're against gay marriage is semantic, they find the words obscene. Since that's the case, its time to be proactive; lets take the offensive...and make it work:

Make it work... 

1)  Gay marriage announcements should only appear in the alternative newspaper, you know, that one that has swearing in it.

2)   If the wedding services are to be held outdoors, they should be held on beach volleyball courts behind sports bars.  It seems like society is OK with swearing in those places, and the fencing calls to mind the free-speech zone.

Very butch.

3)  Before 10 pm on broadcast television, the gays will not refer to their "husbands", instead they should use euphemisms, such as "buttlover".

 

 Yeah!

I don't do requests

Is it a bad sign if, whenever someone says "take it easy", the immediate impulse is to wonder "why the fuck would they say that, was I acting weird or something?" 

Telling a neurotic person to "take it easy", is sort of like telling an angry drunk to "CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"

Some commands just don't have the desired effect.

Wanker...

It seems like every time a new medium is invented (podcasting, blogging, twitter etc) people's first impulse is to say "that just sounds like another outlet for narcissism, for dipshits to talk about their day".  Do people make this assumption because that's the only purpose that they themselves can think of?

Maybe people said the same thing when they invented the guitar; hey, look at that guy, he's strumming his toy instead of his cock, and he calls it self-expression, what an asshole.  Maybe they said that about painting too; hey, check out this over-praised anal-expulsive douchebag, he's graduated from smearing shit to smearing paint, what a jackoff.  Maybe all the important media were derided when first invented.

But come to think of it, centuries later, most people's bands actually are just vanity projects, and most people who paint probably shouldn't even put their shit on their own fridge.  The odds are not good that the stuff is worth other people's time, a vast majority of it is simple self-indulgence.  So maybe the real act of excessive self-love is aspiring to do something that's anything more than masturbatory.

Hey man, check this out...

Things Fall Apart

There's gonna be another season of Jersey Shore, the question is: can it possibly out-do itself?

The answer is no; the first season took things so close to the brink, if Season Two takes it any further, the threshold will be crossed and the show will self-destruct.  Look at what happened with Megan Wants A Millionaire; its good to have a narcissistic douchebag in the cast, but if you have a narcissistic douchebag who murders someone, they can't air the program. 

Here are a few cases where things got so good they almost went bad: 

Domestic Abuse, Female-on-Male: 

 

 JWoww hits The Situation with a spinning backfist because he wouldn't walk her up to the hotel room.   We can all laugh about this now, because as we learned on the reunion show, The Situation has "learned his lesson".  But what if he hadn't learned?  What if he'd embarrassed her again, might she have stabbed him in the neck?

Domestic Abuse, Male-on-Female:

Ronnie pushes Sammi Sweetheart on the boardwalk.  This wasn't very abusive, as far as guido culture goes, but knowing Sammi, if it had been any worse, she probably would have had him arrested as a test to see if his love would endure.  If Ronnie had been in jail, we would have been deprived of some great work.

Woman-Hitting:

 They say this guy punched Snookie in the face; this was a crisis narrowly averted because if he'd hit her the way he probably wanted to, she would have died.  This punch was the best thing that could have happened to her, the next punch might be the worst.

Public Indecency:

If she takes it any further next season, she'll get almost no actual exposure.  As an exhibitionist, she needs to understand that getting blurred prevents her from being seen.

 Self-Defense:

 

"One Shot, Bro."  Ronnie practices the Bush Doctrine; he runs a block-and-a-half out of his way just to punch a drunk in the face, then pitches it as proactive self-defense.  He says he had to send a message to the world because he doesn't want to have enemies walking around. 

When neurotic behavior goes beyond whats socially acceptable, it becomes mental illness; Angelina's an example of the clinically diagnosable psycho-bitch.  She crossed the threshold and got sent home, which was for the best considering her maniacal cock-blocking, but the show can withstand only so many ejections before things spin out of control.

Actually, maybe Season Two could embrace the chaos and turn itself into a Survivor-type show, but instead of voting people off, they just wait for everyone to self-destruct.  Perhaps the cast can out-do itself by doing itself in.

Dude, That Is So Cognitively Impaired

Sarah Palin wants Obama's chief of staff Rahm Emmanuel fired; she's mad because he called liberal groups "fucking retarded" for opposing the Democratic health care plan.

Just as we'd be appalled if any public figure of Rahm's stature ever used the "N-word" or other such inappropriate language, Rahm's slur on all God's children with cognitive and developmental disabilities - and the people who love them - is unacceptable, and it's heartbreaking. - Sarah Palin's Facebook page

Sarah Palin's heart has a dream that, someday, we might, as a society, overcome our prejudice and elect a developmentally disabled president. 

Also, it should be pointed out that if her son's development had been literally disabled, he wouldn't be here today; we should all be more careful with the words we choose.  For example, Emmanuel should have said his opponents were "fucking stupid, but not so fucking stupid as to meet the criteria of some medically defined deficiency".

 

The DSM-IV defines mental retardation as having an IQ below 70.  The DSM-IV does not supply a similar criteria for diagnosis as the "N-Word".

The Little Guy's Got Enough People Sticking Up For Him

Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence that "all men are created equal" (many have pointed out the hypocrisy of his owning slaves, but to be fair, he didn't consider them to be human).

 

His penmanship is so presidential.

Nowadays, you have a lot of Christians saying that "God doesn't give with both hands."  This way of thinking has gotten out of control.  Jefferson, in all his moral wisdom, was referring to people having equal rights, not equal abilities.  When a kid is born, it isn't like The Lord sits at a computer and metes out attributes using a fixed number of character-points; its not like life is just a big MMORPG...is it?

Yeah, I've got a dexterity of 18, I try not to be cocky about it...

Anyway, here are a few truths that seem to be self-evident:

• Just because you suck at math, doesn't mean you're good with people.
• Just because you're depressed, doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Just because you can never explain your logic, doesn't mean you're a "really intuitive person".
• Just because you're a nerd, doesn't mean you're actually smart.
• Just because you're troubled, doesn't mean you're a genius.
• Just because you're ugly, doesn't mean you have a great personality.
• Just because you have a shitty job, doesn't mean you're good at fighting.
• Just because you're fat, doesn't mean you're strong.
• Just because you have no intellect, doesn't mean you've got great instincts.

 

Just because you're an ignoramus, doesn't mean you're the salt of the earth.

• Just because you're a pussy, doesn't mean you're a nice guy.
• Just because you're a bitch, doesn't mean you're "good at arguing".
• Just because I'm an asshole, doesn't mean this post is funny (to you).

The Magic Johnson of Suicide.

We like to see flaws in people who excel; that way we can acknowledge those talents without admitting the person's "superiority"; if they're "human" we can love them without resenting them.  For example, look at Kurt Cobain, didn't his legacy grow as we became more familiar with Courtney Love?

 

Man, I love this guy.

True Blues

Why do they pluralize "The Blues" when the whole fucking genre is just one song.  Maybe if you guys finally broke up with your shitty girlfriends and stopped commiserating with one another, you could come up with some new material and move on. 

Decades of success give you more credibility as a failure.  Would his music be more, or less, authentic if he covered "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems".

Its like, hey man, the real blues musician of today has problems so pathetic that no one will identify with him for 100 years.

 

 "I don't get many visitors..."