This Billboard Must Be a Sign

In his book, "I Drink For A Reason", David Cross talks about seeing a cop car with a bumper sticker that read "DON'T ABANDON YOUR BABY".  Crossy says how ridiculous and unnecessary this seems, and on one level, he's right.  However, this bumper sticker might be so absurd that it actually becomes effective.

Actual logo of babysafela.org.

If you were a pregnant teenager, thinking about dumping your baby in a trash can, and you just happened to see this message, you would almost have to assume it was a sign from God.  What else could possibly explain such a random, specific, and seemingly pointless bumper sticker?  If you also consider that the key baby-abandoning demo is precisely the type of stupid, self-centered audience that believes God would address them personally, you have to admit that perhaps more PSA's should take the specific approach to reach their idiotic, narcissistic targets. 

A billboard with the common-sense message of "Don't Drink And Drive" can be seen by a million drunks, and it'll be ignored by every one of them.  Meanwhile, you might actually get through to somebody if it says "Brian, you're too drunk to drive, you stupid Irish sack of shit".   If nothing else, he'll pull over long enough to wonder if he didn't take any acid.  Then again, that one might be a little too broad.

Held Responsible For Your Crimes

Utah recently executed a guy by firing squad, and they used that old technique where one of the five shooters was randomly loaded with a blank; that way, none of the shooters will know for sure if they fired a lethal bullet.  This underscores the moral evasiveness of the death penalty:  even the executioner gets to avoid the visceral guilt of having killed a man.  

If society were honest with itself, the executioners would know for a fact they'd killed someone, and those executioners would not be professionals, they'd be regular citizens randomly selected from the voting rolls (in the manner of jury duty).  That way, none of the voters will know for sure if they'll have to physically kill someone, reintroducing the visceral conscience into the voters' decision.  

According to the justice system, hiring a hit-man is just as bad as (or worse than) killing someone yourself, and not that legality always equates with morality, but most people agree that, in this case, the equivalency makes sense.  By that standard, sanctioning a man's execution by supporting the death penalty is morally equivalent to (or worse than) actually shooting the man yourself.  If your visceral conscience tells you that you can't pull the trigger, it should also tell you that you can't support the death penalty; if there's any discrepancy, it's because you're evading your conscience. 

This probably calls to mind the idea that meat-eaters should be willing to, at least once, kill the animal themselves.  When people object to this idea, they usually say "But I love bacon..."  Well at least they're admitting that they're full of shit.

In Utah, the sex dungeon is used for executions.

Slip of the tongue

ESPN Commentator John Harkes during the US-Slovenia match:  "Well it's mouthwatering to see that opening..."

Go and get them.

Tiger Woods got a lot of guff for sleeping with average looking women who had normal day-jobs; why would he bother with them when he could be getting models and porn stars?  Well, maybe what Tiger was doing was just the champion's version of amateur porn.

Keepin' It Real

Fake tits should be illegal.

Libertarians will protest, saying a person should have the right to do stupid things to their own body, as long as they're not harming anyone else.  I couldn't agree with them more:  fake tits should be illegal because they ruin real tits for everyone else.

There's no such thing as a perfect pair, because a perfect pair immediately falls under suspicion of being fake.  The better a set of tits, the more tainted they become, and the victims are not just the woman who has them, but society as a whole.

Meanwhile, women with small tits also fall victim, as the inflated size of fake breasts create artificial standards that the small-titted women cannot live up to (unless they themselves want to get breast implants).  Fake tits have created a cold-war escalation, with rivals wasting valuable resources (and taking unnecessary risks) just to keep up with one another.

In this way, fake tits are like steroids in baseball.  Back before PEDs became outlawed, players were under enormous pressure to pump themselves up with these drugs, so they were forced to spend money and take major health risks in order to compete.  As a result, it will be a long time before someone can have a miracle, 62-home run season without clouds of suspicion shading its glory.  This is a tragedy, but at least baseball has moved towards a solution; its time for tits to do the same, and get back on the right rack.

This is the woman who sued Citibank, saying they fired her for being too hot.  She should sue fake-tits for defamation; either that or real tits should sue her for the same.

Public Standards

When a guy says "I'd hit it", he's definitely not lying, but he isn't exactly telling the whole truth.  The reality of the situation is that he'd hit that, and pretty much every other thing, given the right set of circumstances.  If guys were being honest, they wouldn't talk about standards, they'd talk about circumstances; for really bad cases, it might mean he has to be drunk, at 2 am, then the doorbell rings, and there's not a witness in sight.
 
So when a guy says "I'd hit it", what he's really saying is "I'd admit to it".

You Fascinate Me.

I just came to a realization:  the best way to get people to read my writing is by posting comments on their blogs.  By pretending to be interested in their thoughts, I can trick them into being interested in mine.  It took me way too long to wise up to this angle, perhaps because I refuse to make small talk.