The Other Brain

When I hear them talk about how apes attack their enemies, when they describe how the first thing the ape does is tear the person's genitals off, my cock and balls experience psychosomatic sympathy pains.  This only seems to happen with the gonads; when I hear about a guy getting hit in the head with a tire iron, I don't all of a sudden get a migraine.  This is because, like the ape, my cock and balls instinctively know what's important in life.

Deal With The Devil

A scientist Christian attempts to create an artificial womb using cow parts and spare tires, to allow fetuses to survive after being removed from their mothers.  The scientist hopes this will prevent abortions, not by keeping the babies alive, but because the legal reasoning behind Roe v. Wade dictates that you can only abort a fetus if it would die outside of the mother.  The cow womb would make fetuses technically viable without the mother within the first week of pregnancy, meaning almost no babies could legally be aborted.

The scientist Christian hates abortion because he hates when people try to "play God"; being only semi-retarded, he realizes that his artificial womb is also playing God, so his intention is to invent the womb, use it once to prove that it works, then destroy the machine after abortion is outlawed.  His plan works perfectly, until he discovers the unintended consequences of his passion:  the scientist, a fun-loving bachelor living fast in the big city, has to raise the baby he grew in the cow machine.

Will he learn to live with this little demon, or will he end up changing his mind about abortion?  One thing's for sure:  he'll find out what it means to deal with the devil!

Starring Eddie Murphy and Jonathan Lipnicki.  Directed by Tyler Perry.  Rated PG.

"That kid is gonna end up killing me..."

A Place To Call Home

I'm watching "Get It Sold", which is one of those dumbass real estate shows on HGTV.  These realty experts keep telling various home-sellers that there's not enough closet space in the master bedrooms.  These are all walk-in closets, but apparently they need to have to have enough room for your cato kaelin.

As a society, where have we been storing this guy for the last 15 years?

I suppose it makes sense though, because the precise demographic that overpays for high-sheen polished-turd real estate is the exact same group of superficial, materialistic doucherags that blow half their money on clothes.  It's interesting when the demographic for one phenomenon almost perfectly overlaps with that of another.  You often hear warnings that you can get crabs from tanning beds; fortunately, most of the people who use tanning beds already have crabs anyway.

Where will Lebron land?

I'm going to admit to having only recently purchased Empire State of Mind.  Jay-Z's verses are pretty half-assed, but I had a hankering to hear Alicia Keys on the hook, one part in particular.  Basically, I payed $1.29 to hear a hot chick say to me "There's nothing you can't do".  What's pathetic is that it's not even a sex thing.

 Not sure why she does this weird half-squat thing.  It may be a sign that she's amassed too much power, and that she's surrounded by people who are afraid to tell her the truth.

I Want My Money Back

If some sheister was selling people a product by claiming it would give them infinite happiness and eternal life, wouldn't the FDA or some sort of consumer protection agency step in and shut those fuckers down? 

Yet you never see this happen to religion.  Maybe that's because those particular con-men also claim they don't want to get laid, which is somehow supposed to make them more believable and trustworthy.

Why the fuck is this thing made out of gold?  If there was some homeless guy shaking an extravegant pimp cup encrusted with diamonds, I'd ask him to buy me lunch.