Once every month or two, this grocery store will have a special on family-paks of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Normal price is $4.39 per pound, the sale price is $2.00 per pound, a savings of over 54%. This is the type of deal that's so good, they limit it to two 3-lb. packages per customer; what this means is I made six separate trips to Copps that week, all of them on my bicycle, because I'm too fucking cheap to drive the mile-and-a-half. I now have 36 pounds of chicken in my freezer; the pennies saved represent the most money my unemployed ass has earned in a while, coming to what should total $86.04. Sounds almost too good to be true, doesn't it?
What kind of slogan is "Living Up To Your Life"? As Adam Carolla says, its always a red flag when someone says, "I wouldn't lie to you".
The thing about this chicken is, it always has an abnormal amount of mucus in the package, several ounces worth. My cynicism predisposed me to think that perhaps this was why the chicken was being discounted, maybe it had undergone a sub-optimal freezing process, sublimating some of the moisture out of the breasts, and that this was a low-rent move by Copps, but still forgivable because of the price.
Now, I'm starting to view the whole deal with a much more jaundiced eye. The district attorney of Los Angeles has charged the grocery store Ralph's with ripping its customers off; the allegations include that the store has been charging customers for the weight of the ice crystals on frozen fish. A man gets to thinking, is Copp's deliberately adding that fucking mucus to each package, are they watering down their chicken to scam me out of my hard-earned pennies?
As WC Fields once said, "you can't cheat an honest man" - I thought I was getting a real steal of a deal, but instead I just got what I deserved - I got cheated. But turnabout is fair play, so if Copps are a bunch of swindlers, that means they're asking to get scammed themselves; they've opened themselves up to a shake down. Next time they offer this special, I'm of half a mind to go in there with a digital camera (doesn't actually have to be functional), and demand to talk to a manager, so I can bend him to my will.
I'll ask him why the fuck there's so much fucking mucus in the motherfucking chicken, who the fuck is responsible for the packaging of the motherfucking chicken, and what the fuck, does he think I'm fucking stupid? Also, how the fuck am I supposed to feed my motherfucking family when you keep trying to cheat me? That's when the fuck he would offer me either some hush money or the top-secret "player's pass" version of the Rewards Card, which I'd guess is what the CEOs and managers get to use, giving me all my groceries at cost.
I need the key to the club inside the club, the VIP section of the Key Savings Club.
The thing is, I'm a little apprehensive about trying to extort these cats, because I can't afford to get banned from this store. Every couple months, they have some incredible deals on Chocolate Chex - six boxes for $8.00, a savings of $10.00. Its also the closest grocer to my house, the next nearest is probably an extra mile away. Its hard as hell to ride a bike while carrying a bag of groceries and a 30-pack of High Life, although the upside to that is, people on the street will actually cheer for you as you ride by.
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