Adult Situations

According to the FCC website, a show can be branded with the TV-MA rating if it contains any of the following:

• (V)  Graphic Violence
• (S)  Explicit Sexual Activity
• (L)  Crude Indecent Language

Conspicuously absent are the old stand-by's of Adult Situations and Mature Themes, in fact, those designations don't apply to TV-14 either.  With that in mind, we're currently developing a pilot to exploit this legal loophole, with a show targeted at an audience of seven-year-olds.  The show would give them an irresistible glimpse into the unseen world of grown-ups.  According to the FCC guidelines, the show would be rated TV-PG, allowing it to circumvent the V-chip.

Kevin Nealon is playing a father, who's tucking his 6-year-old son Ben into bed.  Its Christmas Eve.

Kevin:  "OK, Benny, time to go to bed.  Remember, if you don't go to sleep, Santa won't come and give you presents."

Ben:  "OK, daddy, I love you!"

The father turns out the light and closes the door.  The kid tries to fall asleep but can't, the hands on the Mickey Mouse clock tick faster, denoting the passage of time; soon the kid is overwhelmed by his urge to catch a glimpse of Santa Clause.  He sneaks out of bed, quietly opens the door, and tip-toes down the hall.  He crouches near the top of the stairs, and peers through the banisters to see his Mommy (Jennifer Anniston)  sitting on the couch, hunched over the coffee table, while Daddy stands inspecting the tree. 

Mommy's drinking the bad-smelling-stuff.  They're speaking in a whisper, but its a loud, piercing whisper, like they're yelling at each other with inside-voices.  There are unwrapped presents on the table, the kid can't tell if its what he wanted.  Dad stoops over and picks up a wrapped present from under the tree.


Kevin Nealon:  "Could you please fix the tag on this thing?" 
Jennifer Aniston:  "No, that's not for Ben, that ones from Mommy to Daddy."
Kevin:  "No, you mean 'To Daddy, Love Mommy'...at least pretend that you still care about me."
Jennifer:  "Why, so Ben doesn't find out that Daddy is in love with a man he met at the racquetball club?"

Silence for half a minute...

Jen: "Did you remember to lock up?"
Kevin:  "You can do some work around here, for a change."
Jen:  "What, its your responsibility to protect this family, do you want Ben to find out you're too feeble and cowardly to actually defend us?  That's what I thought, go lock the doors."

Kevin locks the front door in a very angry manner...

Kevin:  "You know, I work very hard to provide for this family."
Jen:  "Maybe if you had more going for you, it wouldn't be such a struggle."
Kevin:  "I've made a lot of compromises for you!"
Jen:  "Are you referring to your morality?"
Kevin:  "What's that supposed to mean."
Jen:  "Well, your job is to trick people into buying a bunch of stuff they don't need at prices they can't afford.  In a way, everything you've given this family was taken from someone else."
Kevin:  "What choice do I have?"
Jen:  "Well, you could stop pretending to be a winner, and just admit to your son that you're a loser."
Kevin:  "Yeah, now that you mention it...why do I do all of this work, and buy all of these presents, just so a make-believe fat-man in a red suit can take all the credit.  It ends now, I'm going upstairs to tell Ben that Santa doesn't exist."
Jen:  "Don't you dare!"
Kevin:  "Everything we tell that kid is a lie!  My whole life is a lie, and its all because of Ben!"
Jen:  "Everyone lies to their kids, its part of being a parent!  Don't you go up those stairs!"

Kevin makes a big show of storming up the stairs, in his mind he's bluffing and he'll bail at any second, but when he gets to the landing, he sees his son lying on the ground next to several empty bottles of cough syrup and other medications.  He holds his dead son in his arms.

Kevin:  "He's in a better place now, where all the good lies come true."