Sports columnist John Kass devoted an entire column to this smut, telling a story about a father and his six-year-old son going to the bathroom at a White Sox game. Supposedly a pair of "quivering" legs were sticking out of one of the stalls.
"'It was bizarre. It caught the attention of a lot of people. I tried to turn my boy's attention away from it, then I thought, ‘Is someone having a seizure?'
'So I kicked the door, just to get a reaction. I just wanted to make sure nobody was dying in there. That's when I heard a woman's voice yell, ‘HEY, STOP!' Something was going on and I had interrupted.'
Moments later, the stall door opened, and a tall, thin, blond man exited. The tall man held his arms up in triumph.
'His arms were straight up, like in victory,' Nemeth said. 'Everybody was hooting and hollering and giving high-fives.'
Then a second person left the stall, someone Nemeth described as apparently female, "scurrying" out of the restroom with a shirt or coat over her head.'
This is some pretty titillating stuff to print in a family newspaper, so of course that means the erotica has to be couched in a frame narrative. That's the literary device used in the movie The Princess Bride, where the story starts and ends with Columbo reading the book version of "The Princess Bride" to Kevin Arnold. This allows Grandpa to use the story to do some moralizing.
The year...was nineteen hundred and thirty two. The bride...was a princess.
As you know, in Puritanical Outrage Porn, the pornographic narrative is framed by the pornographer issuing moral condemnations against all the sexy stuff the audience came for. This allows a hack writer (or a concerned father) to get a ton of extra attention, all while he and his audience pretend to be morally superior. Here's how Kass ends the story:
"'This guy will talk about this experience for the rest of his life,' said Nemeth, sarcastically. 'How he did it in the bathroom at a Sox game. What a man.'
Not really.
The guy in the stall isn't a man. He's protoplasm in a T-shirt, smelling of beer.
And I doubt that he's a dad."
What about the kids indeed. You might remember that classic move from when they used it on Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton. The Puritans condemn the fornicators for exposing children to acts of immorality, but by issuing these condemnations, the media actually exposes more children to the acts of immorality.
One of the worst Puritanical Outrage Pornographers of all time is D.A. David McDade, who distributed 35 copies of a sex tape to reporters, lawmakers, and members of the public. The video is of High School football star Genarlow Wilson, "then 17, receiving oral sex from a 15-year-old girl and having intercourse with another 17-year-old girl." They prosecuted Wilson for statutory rape, but maybe they should have prosecuted the DA for child pornography.
In another case, two High School sophomore girls took pictures of themselves licking phallus-shaped lollipops. They posted the photos to their private MySpace account, so only their friends could see, but apparently one of these "friends" forwarded the pictures to the High School Principal. The Principal distributed the pictures to the all-male athletic board then forced the girls to apologize to the men in person for degrading the school. Hey, whatever floats your boat.
If these Puritans would stop prying into these acts, fewer people would be defiled by the knowledge, but then they wouldn't have an excuse to distribute all this smut, and I wouldn't have something to talk about in my blog.
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