Get It Straight

If the military abolishes Don't Ask Don't Tell, straight soldiers are going to have to find a new way to get the message across, to let these homos know that it ain't gonna happen, not even if I get really drunk and I'm really really horny.

The soldiers won't be able to use the traditional method of bandying about the word "faggot" (or using other homophobic displays), since that'll probably be discouraged for the sake of gay-friendly unit cohesion.  Instead they'll have to learn subtler, more gentle ways to head-off any unwanted advances, and they'll have to learn from experts, those with years of experience rejecting, in other words: women.

  Thumbs up.

Beyond the basic step of simply declaring your heterosexuality, the following measures might prove helpful:

• Don't return his phone calls.
• Don't laugh at his jokes.
• Fold your arms across your chest, covering your breasts whenever he's talking to you. 
• Roll your eyes whenever he says something, even if he's making an intelligent or helpful point in group situations.
• Avoid making eye contact, but make sure you don't check out his package either, even if its just to compare.
• If you're at a party, and he's talking to you, mention that you have a cold.
  
• Make a big show of flirting with other men.
• Loudly mention that you're already in a relationship.  (Make it clear that you don't believe in cheating.)
• Loudly proclaim that you're so busy these days, you wouldn't have "time" for a relationship, even if you wanted one.  (Make it clear that you're not into casual sex.) 
• Loudly declare that your "type" is the polar opposite of whatever his type might be.  (If he's a bulky brunette man, talk about how much you like short, thin, blonde "spinners".)
• If you become close to the homosexual, tell him that you think of him like a brother.  (Make it clear to him that you're not into incest.)
• Tell everyone you have AIDS.
• Spread rumors about you having a small penis.

 Tom Cruise worries that he might have to do more to convince people.

In some special cases, for whatever reason, extra precautions might be necessary:

• Make a big, public display out of trying to sleep with the female instructor, perhaps sing her a love song in a crowded bar.
• Go on a nationally syndicated talk show and jump up and down on a couch while declaring your love for a woman. 
• Avoid referring to your girlfriend as your "beard".
• Try to convince people that your meticulous grooming habits and preoccupation with self-presentation are attributable to narcissism, not homosexuality.
• Quit spending so much time showing off for other men.
• Avoid playing shirtless volleyball with other men.

 How could he possibly be gay?